The Joke Thread......

[01dragonslayer]

Agreement
My wife and I have an agreement that works...

She is responsible for the small decisions, and I am responsible for the big ones.

This means that she decides things like where to take our next vacation, the color of our next car, and the construction budget for adding on the new family room.

I decide whether or not the President should extend most favored nation trading status to China, how high the Federal Reserve should go with short term interest rates, and the timetable for the elimination of CFCs from automobile air conditioners.

[01dragonslayer]

A very poor old woman with a small family called a radio station asking for help from God.
A non-believer man who was also listening to this radio program decided to make fun of the woman.
He got her address, called his secretary and ordered her to buy a large number of foodstuffs and take them to the woman.
However, he sent it with the following instruction:
“When the woman asks who sent the food, tell her that it’s from the devil.”
When the secretary arrived at the woman’s house, the woman was so happy and grateful for the help that had been received.
She started putting the food inside her small house.
The Secretary then asked her,
”Don’t you want to know who sent the food?”
The woman replied,
”No, Say thanks to whoever sent this! I don’t care who the person is because when GOD orders, even the devil obeys”!

[01dragonslayer]

Everyone at the family reunion got food poisoning
Runs in the family

[01dragonslayer]

A bar owner is looking for some new musical acts to spice up the ambiance of his establishment.
He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. He finds a couple of okay options: some country, some rap, some metal… Nothing really sticks out as the next big thing to him though. He keeps at it for an entire weekend, struggling to find something he really likes.

He then stumbles upon this video of an old man, playing the acoustic guitar on his front porch: a beautiful rendition of ‘’Stairway to Heaven’’. Gentle, touching, absolutely gorgeous. The bar owner can’t help but cry. He immediately knows this is the man he wants for his bar, and gets in contact with him.

The musician, over the phone, thank him over and over again for the amazing opportunity. He explains that he’s a retired judge who was pressured to go into law by his parents, over 50 years ago. In his heart, he’s always dreamed of being a musician and to perform in front of a real audience. This is the first time he’ll ever get to do it.

The bar owner is even more touched by his story, and decides to immediately sign him on for 10 night shows. The old judge is over the moon, this is everything he’s ever dreamed of! The two men leave the call, happy and content.

That night, the bar owner hypes all of the regulars, telling them about this amazing new act that they’ll get to see tomorrow. He tells them to bring some friends, bring some family, no one has ever heard music like that before. The patrons are excited and promise to bring everyone they know.

The night arrives, and the old judge gets on stage. The bar is absolutely packed, people give him a standing ovation before he’s even started. Beaming with joy and trying his best not to cry, he calms the audience down. ‘’Thank you, thank you so much, everyone. Thank you to Jim, the owner, for believing in me. I know he loved my cover of ‘Stairway to Heaven’, but tonight, I figured I’d do some original compositions. I hope you like them.’’ He sits down and starts playing.

He slams down on his guitar and lets out a piercing screech. Everyone in the room freezes

For the next half hour, without ever stopping, he plays dozens of discordant chords while yelling incoherent words like ‘’pineapple sauce!’’ and ‘’love and hate are second cousins!’’. He screams then whispers, playing notes that don’t make any sort of reasonable sense.

The audience is stunned. No one dares to say a word. The sweet old man seems so sincere in his rendition, yet it’s just… horrendous.

The owner has a million thoughts racing all at once. How could this happen? Can he even get the courage to tell him that everything he’s doing is absolutely terrible? One of the regulars comes up to the bar and sits down to talk to him. ‘’So, Jim… what the hell is this?’’

The owner explains to him the whole situation. How he found the man online, that beautiful ‘’Stairway to Heaven’’ rendition, his tragic story as a retired judge that always wanted to be a musician, and how he’s now stuck, having booked him for 9 more shows for the next 2 weeks. The regular scratches his head, thinks for a while and shrugs before declaring:

‘’…And that’s why you should never book a judge by his cover.’’

[01dragonslayer]

A Yorkshireman is lying on his death bed
He had been unwell for a while, and the time was drawing near. The man had asked for his family to be gathered in the bedroom to say their goodbyes.

“Is my darling wife here with me?”

“Yes, love.”

“And is my son here, in the bedroom with me?”

“Yes Father, I’m here.”
r>“And is my daughter here, in the bedroom with me?”

“Yes Daddy. Oh please don’t leave us!”

“And are my grandchildren in here with me?”

“Yes, grandad!”

“Then why is the feckin light still on in the front room?”

[01dragonslayer]

I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family.
They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.

I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.

[01dragonslayer]

My family is divided on the question of imported fruits. My mom says no.
Papaya

[01dragonslayer]

I inherited a magic device that floats in the sky and weaves magic carpets.
You might say it’s a “family air loom.”

[01dragonslayer]

The teacher was telling us a story about the time when she went camping in the forest with her family and they saw a huge snake, and she asks: do you know why the snake didn't bite? Because....
From the back of the classroom, a student shouts: Because snakes don't bite each other.

[01dragonslayer]

I live next door to a family of anorexic agoraphobics...
I bet you they have a few skeletons in the cupboard.