The Joke Thread......

[01dragonslayer]

A lawyer and his family are searching for a new home.
A lawyer named Harry had a wife and 12 children. His rental agreement was terminated by his landlord, who wanted to reoccupy the home, and so the family of fourteen needed to find a new home immediately.

But Harry was having a lot of difficulty. Whenever Harry mentioned his dozen children, nobody would lease him their house because the homeowners feared the children would wreck the place.

Harry couldn't say he had no children, because he wouldn't lie and we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie.

So one afternoon, Harry sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their children. He took the remaining kid with him to his appointment with a real estate agent for a showing of rental homes.

Harry loved one of the homes and the price was right. The agent asked, "How many children do you have?”

"Twelve," Harry said.

The agent asked, "Where are the others?"

The lawyer, with his best sad look, answered: “They're in the cemetery with their mother.”

Harry got the house.

[01dragonslayer]

I took my family out for an expensive meal the other night and surprised everyone by ordering in French.
It was a Chinese restaurant.

[01dragonslayer]

My dad’s palaeontology files are filling up the family computer
They’re hundreds of trilobites

[01dragonslayer]

there was a family of moles-
Mum, dad and little mole jnr. They were digging their way home after a hard day's mole-ing, all hunched up in a tunnel. Dad at the front, digging hard, mum close behind, and at the back was jnr. Suddenly jnr says "mummy, I can smell treacle!"

Mum tells Dad - " eerm, Junior says he can smell treacle"

Dad ignores her.

Jnr is a precocious mole doesn't like being ignored. "Mummy, I really really can smell treacle"

Mum- "jnr is very insistent that he can smell treacle".

This time dad stops digging and turns to jnr "son, you're a big mole these days, nearly grown up. You can dig well, you can hunt for food, but I can't believe you haven't learnt to tell the difference between treacle and molasses...

[01dragonslayer]

The Truth About My Jokes
It has recently been brought to my attention that many of the jokes I tell my friends, family and peers can be classified as 'Dad jokes.' Moreover, it turns out that most of the people I share these with don't actually enjoy them, they've just given up on me stopping at this point.


Two things: First, I'm not a father, so I don't think that label quite qualifies. However, second, if we grant that it does, considering the negative response towards my jokes.


Are they faux pas?

[01dragonslayer]

I have been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips, thanks to my friends and family.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump and I'm not much on physical activity.

[01dragonslayer]

Instead of yelling at my family I used to yell into a colander
All it did was strain my voice

[01dragonslayer]

Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan
Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I have been making jokes every time I see him. I'd say things like, "Hey! Lunch is on me today!" and "I bet you'd like a nice juicy steak about now!". Sometimes I would walk to my car patting my belly after breakfast. When I went to get my mail the other day, I was eating an apple and ran into him. I took a big bite and said "mmm, so good" and laughed my arse off. Now, I though all this was just a bit of friendly banter. Just some ribbing going on between friends. But I clearly took it too far.

See, just today he comes up to me and says "Brother, I just thought I would let you know, this Friday evening my family and all our friends will be breaking fast with a huge barbeque. We will have a goat on a spit. We will be grilling steak and lamb chops all through the night. We will be cooking high quality sausages. We will be using all sorts of spices and marinades. Even with us all there, there will be more meat then we can all eat. You are more than welcome to join us"

Cheeky bastard knows I'm Catholic.

[01dragonslayer]

a 17 year old and a pharmacist
A 17-year-old walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "I've been invited to dinner at my new girlfriend's house. After that, I hope it comes to the extreme, if you understand ..." The pharmacist says, "I understand. I suppose you could use condoms? Here's a pack for you." The young man thanks him and pays. On his way out the door, he stops, smiles mischievously, walks back and says, "You know, the mother is quite a sweeper, too. I think I'll take another pack, just in case."

Evening comes and the boy is sitting at the dinner table with his girlfriend, her mother and her father. The family is religious, so the mother asks the guest to say grace. The boy firmly closes his eyes and prays and prays and prays. After a while, the daughter leans over to him and whispers, "I didn't know you were so religious." The boy says, "And I didn't know your father was a pharmacist."

[01dragonslayer]

A woman goes to the store to buy a parrot as a family pet.
As she walks into the pet shop, she asks the owner, “How much are your parrots?” The owner replies, “The orange one is $150, the yellow one is $150 and the red one is $30.” The woman asks, “Why is the red one so cheap?” The owner replies, “He used to work at a strip club.”


The woman decides to buy the parrot and brings it home to the family. After bringing it home the parrot says “wow, you have a lovely house.” The wife then introduces him to the children. The parrot says “You have very nice children.” Finally, when the wife introduces him to her husband, the parrot says, “I haven’t seen him since last week!”