The Joke Thread......

[01dragonslayer]

The problem isn’t that diabetes runs in the family.
The problem is no one runs in the family

[01dragonslayer]

A Russian man asks his friend if he should get married and have a family, or join the army
The friend says:

"Vanya, if you get married, then all hope is lost.

"Now, if you join the army, you have two options: either you live or you die. If you live, then all hope is lost.

"If you die, you have two options: either you die on the Ukrainian side of the border or the Russian side of the border. If you die on the Ukrainian side of the border, then all hope is lost

"If you die on the Russian side of the border, you have two options: either you're buried in the battlefield, or under a tree. If you're buried in the battlefield, then all hope is lost.

"If you're buried under a tree, you have two options: either the tree lives or it gets chopped. If the tree lives, then all hope is lost.

"If the tree is chopped, you have two options: you will be made into pencils or paper. If they make pencils out of you, then all hope is lost.

"If they make paper out of you, you have two options: you will become writing paper or toilet paper. If you become writing paper, then all hope is lost.

"If you become toilet paper, you have two options: you will be placed in the men's room or the women's room. If you're placed in the men's room, then all hope is lost.

"If you're placed in the women's room, you have two options: you're going to be used on the behind side or the front side. If you're used on the behind side, then all hope is lost."

"And what if I get used on the front side?"

"Well, Vanya, that's basically the same as getting married."

[01dragonslayer]

There are a pair of twins called Ving and Ling. Ving decided to go to the town hall to change his name. Ling decided to give him a lift there. When they arrived Ling reminded Ving that he would disgrace their family if he changed his name to Lee.
Ving takes a form and quickly fills it out to change his name. He sends off the form, but immediately starts to regret it. He is told that to revoke his form he must pay a small fee. Ling takes out her purse and is about to hand over the money when suddenly…
A man, their father, bursts through the door and embraces Ving and tells them, “Don’t stop, be Lee, Ving”, “Hold on to that fee, ling.”

[01dragonslayer]

Two ships crash into each other on a densely foggy day on the ocean.
The two captains (a man and a woman) wind up in the same hospital and they fall in love. They give up their sailing careers to raise a family.

When the wife was almost ready to give birth, they decided it would be really sweet if their child chose a career that would be helpful in preventing seafaring tragedies like the one they experienced.

On the day their child was born, the husband was too nervous to be in the delivery room. After the child was born, he went to go see his wife and newborn child.

The wife is exuberant and tells her husband, "Great news, honey! It's a buoy!"

[01dragonslayer]

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...
I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

[01dragonslayer]

This past year has been a sad one. It would have been my Mother's 60th Birthday, which we would have celebrated with the whole family. But thanks to drugs, alcohol, and a whole lot of bad decisions...
We all forgot to show up.

[01dragonslayer]

My family says I look like a hobbit in all my pictures.
What can I say? I'm very frodogenic.

[01dragonslayer]

Every morning at breakfast for the past year 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It’s my longest running joke of the year.

[01dragonslayer]

I told my doctor I wanted to get a vasectomy. He said “well now, that’s a big decision. Have you talked about this with your family?”
I said “yeah, and they’re in favor 14-3.”

[01dragonslayer]

An old Irish man from a traditionally catholic family is lying on his deathbed
All his family is gathered around them, when he tells them: „I have one last wish: I want to become a protestant.“
His family members are shocked, since they are all deeply catholic, but the man insists and it’s his last wish, so they get a protestant pastor, and the man became a protestant, the pastor cheering with joy, that someone from that family decided to become protestant

After the pastor left, the family members ask the old man: „But why? Why did you become protestant?“

With his last breath, the man replies: „I thought it would be better one of them dies!“