Just finished buying the family Christmas tree and as the clerk was tying it down he asked me, "So you plan on putting this up yourself then?"
"No you sicko- I was thinking in front of the window in the den."

Traditionally, we always have a family Christmas jumper...
...It's always my job to talk him down :/

Years later, Kevin McCallister murdered his older brother at a family Christmas party.
It was a total buzzkill.

Christmas Cheer
Just texted my Girlfriend to see if she was coming over tonight after her family Christmas celebration.

She texted, "Let me guess, Netflix and chill."

I responded, "No baby, I upgraded to Disney Plus and Thrust"

How do you get a nuclear family?
Splitting an atom family.

If a family with a mother, father, and child is called a nuclear family...
...why isn't incest called radioactive dating?

The theory goes, that surnames often come from the job of your ancestors.
What on earth did "Dickinson" do?!

My English friend was shocked to find out that his ancestors came from Transylvania.
Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

I asked the genie to revive one of my oldest ancestors, to see what life was like when they were around.
Let's just say, it was a pretty fishy chat.

Two people are discussing their ancestors who lived during world war 2
Girl: my grandparents were in a concentration camp

Boy: so was my grandpa, he died there

Girl: aw that’s so sad

Boy: yeah, poor guy fell out of the guard tower