Just finished buying the family Christmas tree and as the clerk was tying it down he asked me, "So you plan on putting this up yourself then?"
"No you sicko- I was thinking in front of the window in the den."

Traditionally, we always have a family Christmas jumper...
...It's always my job to talk him down :/

Years later, Kevin McCallister murdered his older brother at a family Christmas party.
It was a total buzzkill.

Christmas Cheer
Just texted my Girlfriend to see if she was coming over tonight after her family Christmas celebration.

She texted, "Let me guess, Netflix and chill."

I responded, "No baby, I upgraded to Disney Plus and Thrust"

How do you get a nuclear family?
Splitting an atom family.

If a family with a mother, father, and child is called a nuclear family...
...why isn't incest called radioactive dating?

The theory goes, that surnames often come from the job of your ancestors.
What on earth did "Dickinson" do?!

My English friend was shocked to find out that his ancestors came from Transylvania.
Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

I asked the genie to revive one of my oldest ancestors, to see what life was like when they were around.
Let's just say, it was a pretty fishy chat.

Two people are discussing their ancestors who lived during world war 2
Girl: my grandparents were in a concentration camp

Boy: so was my grandpa, he died there

Girl: aw that’s so sad

Boy: yeah, poor guy fell out of the guard tower

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book appeared.
It said, “Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.”

Who was first in Transylvania?
Thousands of years ago, the ancestor of the Hungarians Attila the Hun came to Transylvania.

He saw a beautiful lake, left his gilded armor, his Damascus sword and his white stallion on the shore and went for a swim.

When he got out of the lake - armor was gone, sword was gone and the horse was nowhere to be found.



Now you tell me - who were the first in Transylvania, Romanians or Hungarians?

I wanted to find out more about my ancestors so I did a little digging and...
...got thrown out of the cemetery.

An old Chinese story
A village was terrorized by a demon. The demon attacked people, ate their livestock, trampled their fields, screamed when they tried to sleep, blew out their lights, pinched their babies, threw their dinners on the floor, broke bowls, intentionally sang off key, and was a real nuisance. The villagers tried everything they could, but to no avail.

Finally, a delegation of elders went to a Buddhist temple in the mountains and told the abbot their plight, begging for help.

The abbot said, “No problem! You go on home and rest easy, because tomorrow morning one of my disciples will go take care of the problem for you.”

The next morning, the villagers were eagerly waiting for a procession of solemn monks with drums and bells. Instead what they saw was a sami, a novice monk, about twelve years old, skipping along the path humming a song.

They asked the sami, “Why are you here?”

He said, “My teacher told me to come take care of your problem for you.”

“Are you sure? This is a terrifying demon, mighty beyond words, we are helpless against him!”

“No problem,” said the sami, “Now tell me where he is.”

“He’s in the ancestors’ temple, eating their plaques. He ate the altar yesterday.”

“No problem,” said the sami, and with a sure step, marched to the temple, pushed open the door, and went in.

Within moments, the villagers heard blood curling shrieks. The temple rattled and shook. Within moments, the demon shot through the roof, screaming and howling, and disappeared in the distance.

The unruffled sami came out of the temple with a thin smile on his lips.

The villagers fell to their knees in thanks, apologizing that they had not been respectful enough when he first came. They asked, “You must be very powerful! How did you do that?”

The sami answered, “Simple! I reached into my bag and pulled out my donation book.”

You know what happened to humanity's most intelligent ancestor?
He decided having kids wasn't worth it.

Why don't people from Alabama have ancestors in their linniage?
Because they have Incestors.

What did the English teacher call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

Which of Santa’s friends is the most chill? Jack Frost

How do elves respond when Santa takes attendance? “Present!”

What's red and white and falls down chimneys? Santa Klutz!

How can Santa deliver presents during a thunderstorm? His sleigh is flown by raindeer.

What's Santa Claus's favorite type of potato chip? Crisp Pringles!

What is Santa’s primary language? North Polish.

Why does Santa go down the chimney? Because it soots him!

What is Santa's favorite kind of candy? Jolly ranchers.

How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer.

How do you know when Santa’s around? You can always sense his presents.

What was Santa's favorite subject in school? Chemis-tree!

Why does Santa always enter through the chimney? Because it soots him.

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, it was on the house!

What do you call a broke Santa Claus? Saint-nickel-less.

What goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”? Santa walking backward!

The theory goes, that surnames often come from the job of your ancestors.
What on earth did "Dickinson" do?!

My English friend was shocked to find out that his ancestors came from Transylvania.
Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

I asked the genie to revive one of my oldest ancestors, to see what life was like when they were around.
Let's just say, it was a pretty fishy chat.

Two people are discussing their ancestors who lived during world war 2
Girl: my grandparents were in a concentration camp

Boy: so was my grandpa, he died there

Girl: aw that’s so sad

Boy: yeah, poor guy fell out of the guard tower

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book appeared.
It said, “Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.”

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book appeared.
It said, “Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.”

Who was first in Transylvania?
Thousands of years ago, the ancestor of the Hungarians Attila the Hun came to Transylvania.

He saw a beautiful lake, left his gilded armor, his Damascus sword and his white stallion on the shore and went for a swim.

When he got out of the lake - armor was gone, sword was gone and the horse was nowhere to be found.



Now you tell me - who were the first in Transylvania, Romanians or Hungarians?

I wanted to find out more about my ancestors so I did a little digging and...
...got thrown out of the cemetery.