A lawyer and his family are searching for a new home.
A lawyer named Harry had a wife and 12 children. His rental agreement was terminated by his landlord, who wanted to reoccupy the home, and so the family of fourteen needed to find a new home immediately.

But Harry was having a lot of difficulty. Whenever Harry mentioned his dozen children, nobody would lease him their house because the homeowners feared the children would wreck the place.

Harry couldn't say he had no children, because he wouldn't lie and we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie.

So one afternoon, Harry sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their children. He took the remaining kid with him to his appointment with a real estate agent for a showing of rental homes.

Harry loved one of the homes and the price was right. The agent asked, "How many children do you have?”

"Twelve," Harry said.

The agent asked, "Where are the others?"

The lawyer, with his best sad look, answered: “They're in the cemetery with their mother.”

Harry got the house.

I took my family out for an expensive meal the other night and surprised everyone by ordering in French.
It was a Chinese restaurant.

My dad’s palaeontology files are filling up the family computer
They’re hundreds of trilobites

there was a family of moles-
Mum, dad and little mole jnr. They were digging their way home after a hard day's mole-ing, all hunched up in a tunnel. Dad at the front, digging hard, mum close behind, and at the back was jnr. Suddenly jnr says "mummy, I can smell treacle!"

Mum tells Dad - " eerm, Junior says he can smell treacle"

Dad ignores her.

Jnr is a precocious mole doesn't like being ignored. "Mummy, I really really can smell treacle"

Mum- "jnr is very insistent that he can smell treacle".

This time dad stops digging and turns to jnr "son, you're a big mole these days, nearly grown up. You can dig well, you can hunt for food, but I can't believe you haven't learnt to tell the difference between treacle and molasses...

The Truth About My Jokes
It has recently been brought to my attention that many of the jokes I tell my friends, family and peers can be classified as 'Dad jokes.' Moreover, it turns out that most of the people I share these with don't actually enjoy them, they've just given up on me stopping at this point.


Two things: First, I'm not a father, so I don't think that label quite qualifies. However, second, if we grant that it does, considering the negative response towards my jokes.


Are they faux pas?

I have been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips, thanks to my friends and family.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump and I'm not much on physical activity.

Instead of yelling at my family I used to yell into a colander
All it did was strain my voice

Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan
Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I have been making jokes every time I see him. I'd say things like, "Hey! Lunch is on me today!" and "I bet you'd like a nice juicy steak about now!". Sometimes I would walk to my car patting my belly after breakfast. When I went to get my mail the other day, I was eating an apple and ran into him. I took a big bite and said "mmm, so good" and laughed my arse off. Now, I though all this was just a bit of friendly banter. Just some ribbing going on between friends. But I clearly took it too far.

See, just today he comes up to me and says "Brother, I just thought I would let you know, this Friday evening my family and all our friends will be breaking fast with a huge barbeque. We will have a goat on a spit. We will be grilling steak and lamb chops all through the night. We will be cooking high quality sausages. We will be using all sorts of spices and marinades. Even with us all there, there will be more meat then we can all eat. You are more than welcome to join us"

Cheeky bastard knows I'm Catholic.

a 17 year old and a pharmacist
A 17-year-old walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "I've been invited to dinner at my new girlfriend's house. After that, I hope it comes to the extreme, if you understand ..." The pharmacist says, "I understand. I suppose you could use condoms? Here's a pack for you." The young man thanks him and pays. On his way out the door, he stops, smiles mischievously, walks back and says, "You know, the mother is quite a sweeper, too. I think I'll take another pack, just in case."

Evening comes and the boy is sitting at the dinner table with his girlfriend, her mother and her father. The family is religious, so the mother asks the guest to say grace. The boy firmly closes his eyes and prays and prays and prays. After a while, the daughter leans over to him and whispers, "I didn't know you were so religious." The boy says, "And I didn't know your father was a pharmacist."

A woman goes to the store to buy a parrot as a family pet.
As she walks into the pet shop, she asks the owner, “How much are your parrots?” The owner replies, “The orange one is $150, the yellow one is $150 and the red one is $30.” The woman asks, “Why is the red one so cheap?” The owner replies, “He used to work at a strip club.”


The woman decides to buy the parrot and brings it home to the family. After bringing it home the parrot says “wow, you have a lovely house.” The wife then introduces him to the children. The parrot says “You have very nice children.” Finally, when the wife introduces him to her husband, the parrot says, “I haven’t seen him since last week!”

My family says I look like a hobbit in all my pictures.
What can I say? I'm very frodogenic.

I told my doctor I wanted to get a vasectomy. He said “well now, that’s a big decision. Have you talked about this with your family?”
I said “yeah, and they’re in favor 14-3.”

My wife begged me in the doctors waiting room to go in with her to see the psychiatrist about my issues with starting a family.
I refused to come inside

Family vacation
A family of five is going on vacation. They've rented an RV for the cross country trip.
They loaded the RV with household items, clothing, recreational gear, pets and food. Off they go!

The car crashes into a brick wall minutes after starting the journey. Everyone is killed except the pet monkey.

Police investigate but can't find a reason for the crash. They bring the monkey in for questioning.

Police: What were was the mother doing before the crash?
Monkey pantomimes applying lipstick using the rear view mirror.
Police: Ahhh she had the mirror turned. This might have caused the crash.

Police: What were the kids doing before the crash?
Monkey pantomimes kids fighting.
Police: Ahhh- The kids caused a distraction. This might have caused the crash.

Police: What was the Dad doing before the crash?
Monkey pantomimes drinking out of a bottle.
Police: Ahhh. The father was drinking. This might have caused the crash.

Police: What were you doing before the crash?
Monkey pantomimes holding a steering wheel and driving.

A man crosses the Mexican border seeking better living conditions for his family.
Then his constituency calls for him to resign as a senator from Texas.

I was seated next to my ex and her family on my flight to New Zealand
Auckland!

Family are arguing at the dinner table
Wife says to me “Remember, don’t take sides this time”.

Me, slowly putting potatoes in my pocket: “Why not? This is the perfect opportunity!”.

A wealthy politician released her tax returns for the public to view, according to custom.
The politician had a neighbor who was in charge of a charity that was struggling for funds. After seeing the politician’s tax returns, he saw a golden opportunity, and immediately went over and knocked on the politician’s door.

“All right, I can see from your tax returns that you make $500,000 a year, but you’re not giving any money to charity!” he told her. “Now, I happen to run a very credible charity, and…oh look! I live right next door. Tell you what: you write me a check for $1,000 right now to help my charity, and then I promise I’ll leave you alone.”

The politician gasped, very offended. “You think I have money just sitting around to give to charity?” she said. “Were you aware that last year, my father lost his house in a fire, and everything he owned along with it?”

“Um, I didn’t,” said her neighbor.

“And did you also know that my daughter got into a horrible car accident last year, having medical bills several times her annual wages?” she went on.

“Er…no, I’m sorry…”

“And that my sister had her husband walk out on her, leaving her penniless with three children?”

Her neighbor, now very embarrassed, said, “Oh, my! I apologize. I had no idea what was going on with your family members!”

And the politician continued: “And so… if I didn’t give any money to them, why would I give any to you?”

Did you ever hear of Juan the Magnificent?
Juan was just a young man growing up in rural Mexico. He felt he had little chance to grow up and do anything of importance or recognition. He'd grow up and work the land. The same as his father and his grandfather before him.


Until the day he saw the great magician Harry Houdini.


Then young Juan knew his destiny.


Time passed and Juan slowly learned the art of magic. First pleasing friends and family with simple sleight of hand, before going on to grow older and begin entertaining patrons of the local bars with illusions and escapology.


By the time he was 20 he had toured through all of Mexico. From Aguascalientes to Zacatecas and all places inbetween. His fame in the country of his home soon brought a talent scout from America seeking him out.


Before he knew it, Juan the magnificent was on a whirlwind tour of the US, Europe and beyond treading the very same boards that his inspiration Harry Houdini once stodd upon.


This went on for some time, until Juan reached the mid point of his life, when he soon saw dwindling numbers in his audience. The cheers were not so loud and his fame had begun to fade.


Juan needed a new trick.


The next great trick.


It would be his greatest achievement. His crowning glory. His final act. The one they would speak about for generations to come.


As Juan passed his 63rd birthday, the stage was set. The final performance of the legendary Juan the Magnificent. One night only.
The theatre was sold out. People in every seat. People stood in the aisles and sat upon the floors eager to see this last performance.


The lights dimmed and the orchestra began to play. The curtains opened slowly revealing Juan the Magnificent. He stood in the middle of the stage, dressed in the finest black silk three piece suit, his top hat upon his head.


The stage lights came up, and with a dramatic flourish Juan the Magnificent swept his hat off his head and stood, arms outstretched as the crowd roared with delight.


Juan the Magnificent stood and basked in the warmth their cheers gave him. As the cheers softened and eventually quitened, Juan the Magnificent took a grateful bow.

Juan the Magnificent, straightened. Placed his hat back upon his head and cried out

"UNO! DOS!"


And he vanished without a tres.

Little Timmy and Little Mandy were playing together at the kindergarten.
Timmy says to Mandy, “When we’re older, let’s get married!”

Mandy turns to him and says, “I’m sorry Timmy, I like you and all, but I’m not allowed to marry you.”

“Why not?” asks Timmy.

“Because in my family, we have a tradition of only marrying each other. It’s gone back generations.”

Timmy is stunned. “You only marry within your family?”

Mandy replies, “Yeah. My mom with my dad, my grandpa with my grandma, my uncle with my aunt…”

My great grandma couldn't stop giggling at our large family barbecue...
I asked her what she found so funny?

"Everyone here is alive, because I got laid." she said.

My family plays a lot of games during family game night, but one game never gets mentioned.
We don't talk about Uno.

Who is a penguin's favorite family member?
Aunt Artica

Pamela Adlon told this joke on Somebody Feed Phil. Have never heard it before, it caught me off guard, and I loved it
Old man Rosenberg is laying on his death bed in his family’s home. All of a sudden he gets a whiff of the best thing he’s ever smelled.
“What is that glorious smell?? I know that smell. Oh lord it’s my daughters famous brisket.”
A few minutes go by and his grandson Ezra comes into his room. <br>“Ezra, please go get me a plate of your mothers brisket. I want nothing more in this world than I want a plate of that brisket for my last meal.”
“Ok, grandpa.”
10 minutes pass and Ezra comes back empty handed
“Ezra my boy. Where is the brisket? I don’t have much time left and that’s the only thing I want.”
“Sorry, grandpa. Mom says that that’s for after the funeral.”

Growing up as the youngest in my family, I constantly got beat up by the two oldest
mom and dad

Two ships crash into each other on a densely foggy day on the ocean.
The two captains (a man and a woman) wind up in the same hospital and they fall in love. They give up their sailing careers to raise a family.

When the wife was almost ready to give birth, they decided it would be really sweet if their child chose a career that would be helpful in preventing seafaring tragedies like the one they experienced.

On the day their child was born, the husband was too nervous to be in the delivery room. After the child was born, he went to go see his wife and newborn child.

The wife is exuberant and tells her husband, "Great news, honey! It's a buoy!"

A traditional Thanksgiving joke
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How did Thanksgiving go at your place?" the bartender asks. "Oh, it went fine. Had a lot of family over and the wife prepared the meal. I helped out, though. She got a little stressed out and told me she needed some peace and quiet in the kitchen so she could finish cooking," the guy says. "So I removed all the batteries from the smoke detectors."

At a funeral, a man asks the family of the deceased if he can say something.
They say yes, so he stands up, clears his throat and says "Optometry".

The family looks confused, so he explains, "It means eye care."

A family was driving in their car through an Arizona desert
When they ran into a family of skunks. They stop the car and get out so that they could check on the family of skunks to make sure they were alright.

They found all of the skunks to be ok except for one little baby skunk. The wife then asked the husband if they could take the baby skunk to the vet to get it the medical attention that it needed.

They come up on the California border checkpoint and the wife starts freaking out, “There’s no way they let us take this skunk across the border, what are we gonna do?”

The husband thinks for a second and says, “Hey I got it! Take the baby skunk and put it under your dress.”

The wife replies, “Well what about the smell?”

the husband says, “It’ll be alright, just hold its nose.”

A brunette and her blonde sister live in the rural Southwest US, having inherited their family ranch.
The Great Depression hit them hard, and they only have $600 left.



Fearing that their ranch would be repossessed, the brunette goes to buy a bull so they can breed their own stock. She tells her sister "I'll come and contact you when I make the purchase", and promptly departs.

<br>
The bull ends up costing exactly $599, but it's the cheapest one the stockyard has, so the brunette buys it, and goes to the nearest city kilometers away to contact her sister.



With only $1 left, the brunette is shocked to find out that the telegraph office charges $0.99 per word. Having no other way to bring the bull back except by dragging it across the harsh landscape, she commits to her decision.



"Greetings, I'd like a telegraph sent to my sister to go get our family carriage so we can haul the bull back home."



"Okay. Our cost is 99 cents a word."



"I have... 1 dollar here."



"1 dollar? That's one word, then."



"Send her the word 'comfortable'."



"Comfortable? H-how does that tell your sister that she needs to get the carriage and come over to haul the bull back to your home?"



"She's blonde, and she'll read it slowly... come-for-the-bull."

Agreement
My wife and I have an agreement that works...

She is responsible for the small decisions, and I am responsible for the big ones.

This means that she decides things like where to take our next vacation, the color of our next car, and the construction budget for adding on the new family room.

I decide whether or not the President should extend most favored nation trading status to China, how high the Federal Reserve should go with short term interest rates, and the timetable for the elimination of CFCs from automobile air conditioners.

A very poor old woman with a small family called a radio station asking for help from God.
A non-believer man who was also listening to this radio program decided to make fun of the woman.
He got her address, called his secretary and ordered her to buy a large number of foodstuffs and take them to the woman.
However, he sent it with the following instruction:
“When the woman asks who sent the food, tell her that it’s from the devil.”
When the secretary arrived at the woman’s house, the woman was so happy and grateful for the help that had been received.
She started putting the food inside her small house.
The Secretary then asked her,
”Don’t you want to know who sent the food?”
The woman replied,
”No, Say thanks to whoever sent this! I don’t care who the person is because when GOD orders, even the devil obeys”!

Everyone at the family reunion got food poisoning
Runs in the family

A bar owner is looking for some new musical acts to spice up the ambiance of his establishment.
He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. He finds a couple of okay options: some country, some rap, some metal… Nothing really sticks out as the next big thing to him though. He keeps at it for an entire weekend, struggling to find something he really likes.

He then stumbles upon this video of an old man, playing the acoustic guitar on his front porch: a beautiful rendition of ‘’Stairway to Heaven’’. Gentle, touching, absolutely gorgeous. The bar owner can’t help but cry. He immediately knows this is the man he wants for his bar, and gets in contact with him.

The musician, over the phone, thank him over and over again for the amazing opportunity. He explains that he’s a retired judge who was pressured to go into law by his parents, over 50 years ago. In his heart, he’s always dreamed of being a musician and to perform in front of a real audience. This is the first time he’ll ever get to do it.

The bar owner is even more touched by his story, and decides to immediately sign him on for 10 night shows. The old judge is over the moon, this is everything he’s ever dreamed of! The two men leave the call, happy and content.

That night, the bar owner hypes all of the regulars, telling them about this amazing new act that they’ll get to see tomorrow. He tells them to bring some friends, bring some family, no one has ever heard music like that before. The patrons are excited and promise to bring everyone they know.

The night arrives, and the old judge gets on stage. The bar is absolutely packed, people give him a standing ovation before he’s even started. Beaming with joy and trying his best not to cry, he calms the audience down. ‘’Thank you, thank you so much, everyone. Thank you to Jim, the owner, for believing in me. I know he loved my cover of ‘Stairway to Heaven’, but tonight, I figured I’d do some original compositions. I hope you like them.’’ He sits down and starts playing.

He slams down on his guitar and lets out a piercing screech. Everyone in the room freezes

For the next half hour, without ever stopping, he plays dozens of discordant chords while yelling incoherent words like ‘’pineapple sauce!’’ and ‘’love and hate are second cousins!’’. He screams then whispers, playing notes that don’t make any sort of reasonable sense.

The audience is stunned. No one dares to say a word. The sweet old man seems so sincere in his rendition, yet it’s just… horrendous.

The owner has a million thoughts racing all at once. How could this happen? Can he even get the courage to tell him that everything he’s doing is absolutely terrible? One of the regulars comes up to the bar and sits down to talk to him. ‘’So, Jim… what the hell is this?’’

The owner explains to him the whole situation. How he found the man online, that beautiful ‘’Stairway to Heaven’’ rendition, his tragic story as a retired judge that always wanted to be a musician, and how he’s now stuck, having booked him for 9 more shows for the next 2 weeks. The regular scratches his head, thinks for a while and shrugs before declaring:

‘’…And that’s why you should never book a judge by his cover.’’

A Yorkshireman is lying on his death bed
He had been unwell for a while, and the time was drawing near. The man had asked for his family to be gathered in the bedroom to say their goodbyes.

“Is my darling wife here with me?”

“Yes, love.”

“And is my son here, in the bedroom with me?”

“Yes Father, I’m here.”
r>“And is my daughter here, in the bedroom with me?”

“Yes Daddy. Oh please don’t leave us!”

“And are my grandchildren in here with me?”

“Yes, grandad!”

“Then why is the feckin light still on in the front room?”

I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family.
They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.

I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.

My family is divided on the question of imported fruits. My mom says no.
Papaya

I inherited a magic device that floats in the sky and weaves magic carpets.
You might say it’s a “family air loom.”

The teacher was telling us a story about the time when she went camping in the forest with her family and they saw a huge snake, and she asks: do you know why the snake didn't bite? Because....
From the back of the classroom, a student shouts: Because snakes don't bite each other.

I live next door to a family of anorexic agoraphobics...
I bet you they have a few skeletons in the cupboard.