The Joke Thread......

[01dragonslayer]

Satan appears to a lawyer...
...and says to him, "I offer you this deal. Every year for the next five years, you will have 5,000 billable hours at three times your current rate. You will win every case, and some of your cases will become landmarks in the law books. After the five years, your soul, as well as the souls of your wife, your children, their spouses, and your grandchildren will all be forfeit to me, and you will all be damned for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a few seconds and then asked, "So, what's the catch"

[01dragonslayer]

Mr. Waetherman's tips to combating boredom.
Mr. and Mrs. Weatherman are retired. Mrs. Weatherman insists that Mr. Weatherman go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets bored with all the shopping. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Weatherman loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from the store:


Dear Mrs. Weatherman, Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Weatherman are listed below.


Things Mr. Denny Weatherman has done while his spouse was shopping in Wal-Mart:


1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.


2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.


3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.


4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares ... and watched what happened.


5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.


6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.


7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.


8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"


9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.


10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where to find the antidepressants.


11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the *Mission: Impossible* theme.


12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.


13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"


14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"


And last, but not least ...


15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

[01dragonslayer]

Three men are lost in the desert with no supplies, when the devil appears before them.
The devil looks at their skin and bones, their cracked lips, and says, “I see you’re in a bit of a rough spot. I can help you - let’s play a little game. You each get one chance to name a task I can’t do. If you succeed, I’ll save you.”

The first man immediately replies, “I bet you can’t build a highway that goes around the entire world!”
The devil snaps his fingers, and instantly, a road appears that circles the globe. The first man expires on the spot from a mixture of thirst and despair.

The second man, looking at the corpse of his friend, thinks for a minute. He thinks of his job, his family, his friends, and the life he has to return to.

After spending some time drawing figures in the sand and doing some calculations, he hesitantly says, “There’s no possible way you can build a ladder that reaches space.” But the devil simply smirks and taps his pitchfork on the ground, and at once, a ladder to the stars appears. The second man perishes where he stands, muttering the name of his wife and children until his last breath.

The third and final man calmly looks at the bodies of his companions and sits down in the sand to brainstorm. He thinks of the time his spouse first kissed him, the moment he first saw his son, and the last words of his late father telling him how proud he was of him.

Having made up his mind, he quietly tells the devil, “First make a chair.” Puzzled, the devil creates a simple wooden chair.

“Next, poke 20 holes in it about an inch in diameter.” The devil follows these instructions. The man suddenly pulls down his pants, sits on the chair, and passes a loud fart.

As the devil looks on in amazement, the man stands up and asks “Which hole did I fart through?”

So the devil points to the hole three rows down, in the second column. “That one.” And sure enough, it is.

But the man smiles and bends over, pointing to his rear, and replies, “Wrong - I farted through this hole.”

[01dragonslayer]

CIA Entrance Test
3 finalists are in the running for an open CIA agent position. They're in a room awaiting their final evaluation to determine which one of them will get the job.

The first applicant is called into a separate room. There is a gun there and their spouse, seated on a chair. They are told to shoot their spouse, to see how good they are at following orders. After several minutes, the applicant leaves, in tears. "I can't do it," they say. "I'm sorry," says the CIA examiner. "I guess you don't have what it takes to be in the CIA."

The next applicant is called into the room, and after being given the same scenario, he too leaves the room, in tears. "I just can't shoot my wife," he says. "I love her too much." "We understand," says the examiner, "but you don't have what it takes."

Finally the third applicant is ushered into the room. Almost immediately, there is a sound of rapid gunfire. After a few moments, there is a loud calamity followed by banging and things breaking. The applicant finally emerges from the room, disheveled. "What happened?!" exclaimed the examiner. The man replies, "you guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks - I had to beat my wife ro death with the chair!"

[01dragonslayer]

You Might Be An Extreme Redneck If...
You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of HER kids.

The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your junior prom offered day care.

You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk

[01dragonslayer]

Three men meet a weird car salesman.
Three men, childhood friends, are looking to get new cars. They travel to an odd-looking dealership. They approach the salesman.

Salesman: Greetings, gentlemen. How may I help you today?

The respond that they want new cars.

Salesman: Very well. Answer me one question, and I shall give you a vehicle that's fitting for you.

Confused, but intrigued, the men agree. The salesman then asks the three of them the following question:

"Have you ever cheated on your spouse?"

The first man replies that he has never cheated. The salesman hands him the keys to a Ferrari.

The second man replies that he has only been with one other woman, and only one time. The salesman hands him the keys to an SUV.

The third man replies that he is currently cheating on his wife with his secretary. He is given the keys to a minivan.

The first man can be heard crying. The other two men ask why, when he got the best vehicle.

First Man: My wife was here last week, and she returned with a pair of roller skates.

[01dragonslayer]

A news station was interviewing an 80-year old woman who had just gotten married for the 4th time in her life.
The interviewer was asking her questions about her life, about how it felt to be marrying again at 80, and about her spouse.

The lady mentions hat her new husband is a funeral director.

Then the reporter asks her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little bit about her first three husbands.

She pauses for a few moments, needing some time to reflect on all of those years. After a short time, she shares some details about her first husbands.

The first, she says, was a banker, whom she married in her 20s. In her 40s, she married a circus ringmaster. In her 60s, she married a preacher, and now, in her 80s, she's marrying a funeral director.

The reporter asks her why, if there was any reason, did she choose to marry those specific people.

She responds, "Well, I married one for the money, two for the show. Three to get ready, and four to go!"

[01dragonslayer]

In love and war.
A couple is going through a bitter divorce. The mans prize possession: baseball collectibles valued at $10000. Everyone knows, his spouse is entitled to half, in lieu of splitting his prized collection, he offers 8k cash. Out of spite she denies the offer and insists the collection be split. She too had a collection of shoes and has over 1000 pairs with roughly the same value. Fair being fair he insists on taking half.
She gets half of his Yankees, Red Sox, and Cubs collectibles. He gets all the lefts.

[01dragonslayer]

My parents got seperated when i was 9 and I hated going to my dads on weekends.
I tried telling my mom that you don't split custody when your spouse dies but she just kept dropping me off at the cemetery.

[01dragonslayer]

3 Men die and go to heaven...
3 men die and go to heaven and when they arrive at the gates St. Peter says to them, "Welcome to the road to heaven. You must travel down this road behind me to reach Heaven, however, the medium of transportation is dependent on how faithful you were to your spouse during your lifetime."
First man steps up and St. Peter says, "Ok Shawn it says here you have been completely faithful. As promised here is your vehicle a Ferrari f430."
Shawn grabs the keys and takes off down the road.
The second man steps forward.
"Ok James you too have been faithful here are the keys to your McClaren F1."
James snatches the key and disappears promptly.
The third man slowly shuffles forward...
"Kevin it saddens me to see that you have committed adultery twice, you must drive this 1989 Accord with only spare tires."
He too leaves.
When Kevin arrives at heaven he sees James and Shawn but Shawn is clearly angry, Kevin asks what's the matter to which Shawn replies, "I JUST PASSED MY WIFE ON A DAMN SKATEBOARD!"