2:02pm: Drop off the gifts at the UPS Store. Wonder to yourself if you have any issues or if you are a bit psychotic for sending your physical excretion in the mail all over the country so often. Lie to yourself and Just Dance while you tell yourself that you are just psychotic sync hypnotic, you have your blue burners and phonic, half psychotic sync hypnotic you're on your way to get your electronic as you drive to the Pleasure Chest to pick up that Taffy Tickler. Self Service yourself on the way there. Gosh! Wonder why you are so horny. Try not to stare at self in your rearview mirror. Your stubble comes from your distant relative. Remind yourself how cheesy you think The Jersey Shore is anyway. Scratch the idea of finding an older Italian sponsor. Rationalize by telling yourself they may rub off on you. Literally. Pun intended.



3:45pm: Leave the Pleasure Chest with your Silicone Taffy Tickler and a chrome metal Bean Buzzer since it was too cute to pass up. Drive home fast cranking the radio as you jam to Ke$ha's TIK TOK singing along like you're auditioning for American Idol. Gosh. Simon is such a schmoe, you can tell. Notice your voice sounds NOTHING like Ke$ha's. Blame an upper respiratory infection or the hot spices you've been putting on your foods lately. Remind yourself to plunge 100mg of primobolan in your thigh as SOON as you get home.



4:23pm: Prepare Meal-3. 8oz of salmon, 1 cup of greens and 1 teaspoon of macadamia nut oil. 20mcg of clen and 25mcg of t3 just goes without saying.



4:50pm: Decide it's time for a cat nap before you go hard to work later in the evening. Take your afternoon nap cocktail of nubain, Lexapro and Valium to put you down for a couple of hours. Lay in a comatose stupor dreaming about your nutritionist finally giving in to your advances. Wonder if there is a land where schmoes do not exist. Wonder if siouxcountry is a McDreamy or a McCreepy. Consider dating Tre if he wasn't... you know. If Tre wasn't... you know.



7:17pm: Wake up in a puddle of your own drool to your ringtone of David Duetta's Sexy Bitch. Big Mike Cox again... Press Ignore."